My Whys

So the question of Why has come up a lot this summer, primarily at the two conferences I went to. What we really want to know from people is why they do what they do not necessarily what they do. We as humans feed off of the enthusiasm and passion that others show for things. So here are some of the Why questions I have been asked this summer.

Why are you not having follow-up treatment?
Remember way back when I was diagnosed in November, and I mentioned that I have (had) Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Yeah, well that means that my cancer does not respond to hormones. Sounds good right, it means the hormones aren't feeding it...well it is actually not good because the hormones aren't feeding it. It means they don't know exactly what makes the cancer grow so quickly so there is no follow up treatment after radiation. Hormone positive cancer patient get hormone suppressors after active treatment to greatly decrease chances of recurrence. No such luck for me and about 12% of all other breast cancer patients with a TNBC diagnosis.

You have shared so much why no pictures of your mastectomy scar?

You know those headlines you see "Teacher posts pornographic pictures on her blog"? I don't want to be that teacher. "Say WHAATTT?!?!" You may exclaim. Yep I've had several BC (breast cancer) friends who have had pictures of their mastectomy scars removed from Facebook for being "pornographic." So I've decided that I am not going to go there. It is not worth my job just so you can see my scar. (Which happens to be really clean and healing really, really well!) If your curious just do a google image search mine is like the horizontal ones.

Why don't you wear a wig?/ Why do you wear a hat?
Wigs are hot, tight, and just plain uncomfortable. If you hadn't noticed, I'm kinda comfortable with who I am and easily go out in public with no hair. (Though now it is growing really well!) With that said, hair, it turns out is really functional and keeps your head warm. Since I now sit in an air conditioned office all day with only about 10 other people as opposed to 30+ Middle School students, my head gets cold. Hats, specifically the few fedoras I have right now, keep my head warm without overheating it.

Why do you wear that thing on your arm?
OK so no one has flat out asked it that way. It is usually asked as "Is your arm OK?", "What did you do to your arm?", or my favorite when people see my sleeve on "oh, let me get that for you." So, remember when I had surgery and they took out my tumor and a bunch of lymph nodes? According to the American Cancer Society "Lymph nodes are small structures that work as filters for harmful substances. They contain immune cells that can help fight infection by attacking and destroying germs that are carried in through the lymph fluid." This means in this hot, humid weather we have been having in Southern California, that my left arm swells a little because it is missing 18 of those filters (most of us have 20-30) So my general rule of thumb is if I have trouble putting my wedding ring on, I put my compression sleeve on. My arm doesn't hurt, I can use my arm like normal, and the compression sleeve helps the fluid not build up as much in my arm.

Why did you move to the District Office instead of staying in the classroom this year? 

Well primarily because I know have my Dream Job!!! This is the job I have been wanting for about 3 years. It just took that long for it to open up for me to apply for. After several days in the summer training teachers, helping out teams of teachers at the AVID Summer Institute in San Diego and one week in the office, I LOVE IT!!! It is way different in comparison to being a classroom teacher. I am currently working on clarifying our district's AVID Contract, hiring tutors for the six middle schools and scheduling times to visit all 12 of my AVID sites, I've been super busy. Plus I get to work with an amazing team of other teachers who have been identified as leaders in their subject area and together we support all 32 schools in the Ontario Montclair School District.

Why are you so passionate about the AVID program? 
So this one is easy for me. In my family it was never if you go to college but when you go to college. For many of my students it is barely and if. Many of my middle school students have great hopes and dreams of becoming lawyers, doctors, veterinarians, pilots, etc. but they have no idea what they need to do to accomplish such dreams. There is no family member who can tell them that there are certain classes that they need to take in high school to reach that goal, many of their parents never made it to high school. AVID helps students navigate the world of education that is often unseen. The note talking, the interaction with teachers and other students. AVID focuses on WICOR (Writing, Inquiry,  Collaboration, Organization, Reading), AVID teaches that college is a very real possibility for students that traditionally aren't seen as "college bound" they aren't straight A students, they aren't in need of remediation, they just kinda hang in the middle just needing a little extra push to reach their full potential.

Why didn't you stop selling bags while you were sick?
Ummm, have you seen how cute the Thirty-One bags are? The company really does meet its mission to Celebrate, Encourage and Reward women. Why would I ever give that up unless I had to?
Another question that usually goes with this is I thought you sold... So I am not only obsessed with Thirty-One but I also really like Origami Owl jewelry, Jamberry Nails, and Pampered Chef kitchen products so I usually have a home party as a hostess for my friends who are consultants for those companies because by hosting a party I can often get a bunch of the stuff I want for free in rewards :) I will gladly sell you a bag any time, but for the other things I will pass on the information of my friends who sell what you are looking for.

The last question I am constantly asked is 
Why share your story?
Again I am not a shy person. Sharing my story has helped me bring awareness to cancer and all that goes with it. It has also been a bit therapeutic for me to put my thoughts down. One day when Ellie and Cora are older I will want to tell them what I went through, but realistically I will not remember everything so typing it out will help with that. Lastly, I really want to demystify as much about cancer as I can. After almost every Dr. appointment I would come home and search about a million things and ask a ton of questions to the on-line group of moms also diagnosed with cancer during pregnancy. I know there are women out there who don't want to tell their families that they have cancer, if I can help just one of them, it will all be worth it.

I leave you with a few things
1- Another huge thank you to EVERYONE who has dropped me a note, left me a message, thought of me during treatment, etc. Not once during this journey have I felt alone or like I had no one I could call, or no shoulder I could cry on. I also never felt that I needed to put on a happy face for any of you. Knowing I could be real and be myself made it so much easier to stay positive and not get stuck in the "why me" mode
2- Here are my adorable girls :)

Cora trying to feed herself Sweet Potatoes

Ellie adores her sister and wants to hold her ALL the time!

Radiation 1/3 done!

Today I had my 9th out of 25 radiation treatments. My skin is starting to look slightly sunburned on the radiated area but other than that I feel like I am getting back to my "normal" self. My energy is back, my taste buds are back, and no more nausea! I still have the neuropathy in my finger tips and my eyelashes and eyebrows are practically non-existent. The hair on my head is coming back very, very slowly.
Tomorrow I will participate in my first race as a survivor. I will be participating in the Relay for Life in La Habra as the Credit Union my mom just retired from did their fundraising in my honor. You can support me by donating using the following link
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=37314822&pg=personal&fr_id=57071

Here are updated pictures of the girls and I.

Happy 4th Birthday Elisabeth Marie!!!

Four years ago this little peanut came into our lives and completely turned them upside down. 

While she is 4 going on 13, and has regular temper-tantrums and screaming fits, I can not imagine life without her. When she comes up to me and says "Mama, you're my favorite girl in the whole wide world" it melts my heart. Just like it does when she kisses her sister good night and says "I love you Cora" and then looks at me and says "she's so cute Mama" 

We celebrated her birthday yesterday with family and a few friends. It was a pretty mellow party as a week after chemo, I have little energy and lots of nausea. Ellie had a blast and says her favorite part was lollipops (she got to eat two in one day) and that her least favorite part was cake (though she likes to look at it and likes the idea of it, she doesn't like to eat it)

Look at her hands!

Making a wish

 This morning Ellie got into her new make-up and decided that we needed to make pancakes, so we did!

Beautiful in her new make-up

Making pancakes!

I love you Elisabeth Marie!! You are my favorite 4 year-old!

Rough Weekend

So it all started Thursday my nausea set in (which is not helped with my post nasal drip caused by allergies and chemo) and that night I got the worst night sleep since my diagnosis. I don't know why. I wasn't apprehensive about my biopsy since I had already done one, I was tired, I just could not sleep and then had to be up at 6 to be at Kaiser by 7.
My biopsy on Friday went well, I wasn't able to get much sleep as the recovery area is rather noisy and busy.  This was also when my mouth sensitivity set in making me not want to eat (everything just feel gross in my mouth and the taste is off) When we got home, I took a short nap but was still tired.  I sucked up my aversion to Ensure and had one for dinner, knowing that I needed something to give me energy and that I wasn't going to be able to eat anything. Two awesome friends came over and helped with the girls while Sam was at karate.
On Saturday I woke up still feeling nauseated but not as tired but the effort of getting up and getting dressed exhausted me. I spent the whole day on the couch and was able to eat a little chicken soup, some quesadilla and some ramen noodles. Not the most nutritious but I was able to keep everything down and I supplemented with more Ensure. My nausea is aggravated when I cough, which is often right now. Saturday also began the battle with Ellie for following directions and listening. We will asked her to do something, she'll say OK and then not do anything or tell us she'll do it after she finishes what she is playing with. This sometimes will result in her waiting an hour to do something. Sam had a great idea of getting ping-pong balls and a jar and every time she listens the first time, she gets a ball in the jar, when she gets 10 she will get a small prize. This worked fabulously all day and Ellie got 6 balls in her jar.
Sunday I was still nauseated and still tired, though I am sure the tired is because I've spent two days doing nothing. The really battle today though has been getting Ellie to listen. There were tears with getting her in the shower, getting her dressed, eating her breakfast, taking her nap (she never did fall asleep) and then the major melt down came at dinner. She was crying, I was crying, Cora was crying UGGG!!!! It is hard being a good mom, it is near impossible to be a good mom with no energy! Ellie wanted nachos for dinner, we said no since she had them for lunch, she started to cry that she didn't want to eat her dinner then, we took away her i-pad, she cried that she didn't want to eat her dinner and wanted her i-pad back, we told her she could have her i-pad when she started eating, she cried....the last two were on a loop for about 40 minutes. This is when it is easy to just make the nachos and get the kid to stop crying, but that is not the responsible, good mom thing to do so I had to stick with my guns, even when it brought me to tears of frustration and exhaustion.

I hope that Monday we can start off on a better foot with no tears from either of us. Also happening this week, I should get my biopsy results Tuesday or Wednesday, if there is no sign of cancer from this biopsy I will most likely have a PET scan to identify any cancer cells in my body.  On Wednesday I have an appointment at Nordstrom to be fitted for my prosthesis, so I will not look lopsided anymore.
I'll leave you with a picture that makes me smile :)

Meg vs Cancer round 6

This last week was a crazy one!
Tuesday night we were able to join some good friends in their suite at the Angels game, Ellie had a blast cheering on the home team and Cora looked adorable in her new Angels gear

New Angels fan

Wednesday I went into Kaiser for lab work pre-biopsy and pre-chemo and picked up my chemo scrips. Since my in-laws had the girls, I made a much overdue Costco trip, a trip to Kohl's and to Babies-R-Us to return some duplicate gifts.

Thursday I had to check into Kaiser Fontana at 7:00 for my 9:00 biopsy. I was called back at about 7:45 to get me IV and check in. The appointment before me checked in late and in the wrong place so I got to go in early! (Less waiting is always good) For this procedure, they take extra pictures with the CT scan and use an ultrasound to ensure they have the correct spot for the biopsy. They then numb the area with Lidocaine and give me a light sedation, as I have to be able to control my breathing. Since your liver is near your lungs, if you take a breath at the wrong time you can mess up the whole procedure. After the Lidocaine they puncture between the ribs and take several samples of the areas of concern. After that I was taken back to recovery where they monitored my blood pressure, heart rate and blood oxygen levels for 4 hours to ensure no internal bleeding. Overall the procedure was not as bad as I expected and I left with a bandaid over the biopsy site.

Best way to recover from a biopsy!

Friday was back to Kaiser at 8:15 for round 5 of Chemo and to meet with my Oncologist, Dr. Miller. Realistically given the node involvement when I had my tumor out (15/18) it would be pretty shocking if my "spots of concern" were not cancer. And if they are not cancer, they are something else and that would mean more biopsies and tests to determine what they are. So given that the plan for if they are cancerous is to finish my last round of TAC Chemo on the 25th of April and then begin another round of just the Taxotere.
The lab didn't run two of the tests on my blood on Wednesday so I had to have a blood draw and wait for results before starting my Chemo regime for the day, but once we got started it went pretty quickly and I was home by 2.

Waiting for the blood work to come back, & getting some fluids while I'm at it.

This week I should get my biopsy results on Tuesday or Wednesday and I have my post baby OB appt on Tuesday. After which I hope to have a two week hiatus from Kaiser!

On another note, my good friend Kate Huffman nominated me to be the honorary Bat Girl for the Angels on Mothers Day. You can vote once a day using the link below. You can find my entry under Kate's name as she nominated me :)
Angel's Bat Girl Voting

I hope you all have a fabulous week and I will post again as soon as I have biopsy results. Your prayers, thoughts and support mean the world to us!!!

Meg vs. Cancer Round 5

Friday (3/14) was my first Chemo without Baby S on board. It was a huge relief to know that there was absolutely nothing that could happen to Cora because of my treatment. 

My appointment was early which is nice because then I get home at a decent time to nap off the Benadryl. 

Like before I have to drink A TON!!! of water. BUT I no longer have a baby pushing on my bladder!!! This is fabulous news as it means instead of peeing every 20-40 minutes I can go every 1-2 hours, which leads to better sleep and feeling more rested than I did with Cora on board. 

This morning I got the call to set up my CT Scan which will be at 5:30 on Wednesday the 26th. I should get the results of the scan before my next Chemo appt on 4/4. 

Here are a few pictures of my favorite girls!

Keeping Cora entertained so Mama can sleep a little bit more.

Holding hands in the car

Tummy Time!

Good Night Snuggles

Adjusting to Life as a Family of Four

So after the crazy, quick and intense birth of Miss Cora, Sam was finally able to meet Cora on Saturday morning.

Daddy and his littlest girl. 

Mama and Cora

We had lots of visitors on Saturday and Sam went home to be with Ellie that night so Cora and I had major cuddles and Mama/baby time.  Who wouldn't want to cuddle this sweet little one?







On Sunday, my parents stayed with Ellie at home while we were in the hospital for one more day due to Cora's bilirubin levels. She had to be on the biliblanket and get blood drawn twice.

Ellie's new baby...Coraline

My parents got Ellie an American Girl Bitty Baby, who she named Coraline. For a brief moment she changed her mind and called her Bella, but that lasted less than 2 hours.

Cora looked like a glow-worm during the night, I gotta admit, as much as I wanted to take her home, this was pretty cute.








On Monday we were cleared to go home, Cora would be monitored for her bilirubin levels, which meant a bili-blanket at home and daily Dr. appts until her levels were down.  Sam's parents had Ellie at their house, so when we left the hospital they left to meet us at home. Ellie was so excited to meet her little sister, and wants to constantly see what she is doing and help with her, she is a great big sister.  Princess is super protective and every new little sound that Cora makes, Princess has to check it out to make sure Cora is still OK. As for the cat, I don't know if Spiff has even noticed that there is a new baby in the house as the last few weeks he sleeps on Ellie's bed most of the day/night.
Here are some of my favorite pictures from Cora's homecoming.

Ready to go home!

"She's so silly!!"

"Hi, Cora"

"Awww, she's so cute"

Princess meets Cora

Sager Family

Welcome Coraline Joan Sager

On Friday, February 28th I had my regular NST appointment, at which I was having non-painful contractions 3-7 minutes apart. I mentioned to the nurse that Sam was in Sacramento, accepting our school's Schools to Watch award, a huge honor, and that he would be home on Sunday. She told me to drink lots of water and that she would see me Monday. I went home and plowed through water and sat on the couch and the contractions subsided. I called Sam and filled him in and we decided that he should catch an earlier flight on Saturday evening after the team's presentation. I also asked my mom to spend the night just in case. 

Sam with Serrano's Official Schools to Watch Award

Like every Friday night, my friend Glynnis came over (Sam is usually at karate) to keep me company we had dinner, watched some TLC, chatted, etc. My mom came over and helped put Ellie to bed. Around 11:00, we moved Ellie to my bed so my mom could sleep in Ellie's bed and off to bed it was.
Just as I was falling asleep, I needed to pee (the story of life for any 9 month pregnant woman). As I sat up, I realized that it wasn't needing to pee, and rushed onto the tile, so much for water and rest, this baby was in it's way! (This was at 11:30) I put a towel between my legs and penguin walked down the hall to let me mom know, she called my dad to meet us at the hospital. I called Sam...no answer...waited a minute called again...then sent texts to several of the people up in Sacramento with him to see if they were with him at the time. I then called my in-laws, I could tell that my mother-in-law had been asleep because our conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi Kathy, my water just broke
Kathy: Oh my, do you want us to meet you at the hospital?
Me: No, I need someone to stay with Ellie, do you think Julie could come over, or Wayne could stay with her?
Kathy: Sure, are you going to head to the hospital now?
Me: No, I have to stay here until there is someone to stay with Ellie.
After reaching my in-laws I tried calling Sam again...no answer. So I called our friend Anna who was up in Sacramento with Sam. The first words out of her mouth were "Are you having a baby friend?" As soon as I said yes she passed the phone to Sam. He would go up and pack and get the first flight to Ontario that he could.

Luckily, my bag was already packed so I just had to get a few things together. During all the commotion Ellie woke up and started chattering about all sorts of random things, like cat school taught by Aunt Deanna. When Wayne, Kathy and Julie got to the house we were off after several rounds of hugs and kisses from Ellie and tears (she wanted to come with me).
My saint of a sister-in-law had to endure Ellie chattering for quite a bit longer...and she not only stayed with Ellie for the night but then took her over to my in-laws for the day.
Anyway, we got to Kaiser Fontana at about 12:30, I got into Labor and Delivery and then sat with my mom and waited to be processed while the other three parents were in the waiting room. A Dr. finally checked my progress at around 1:30ish and I was 4cm dilated 90% effaced.
Unfortunately none of the nurses on duty that night were comfortable accessing my port, so my IV had to go into my hand. One of the nasty things about Chemo is that it makes your veins very sensitive, so the first try was a bust (literally, my vein blew) so was the second, so the nurses called anesthesia to place my line. As the anesthesiologist left, he said "see you in a bit for your epidural" (I should have taken that as a bad sign...just like saying good luck to an actor before a performance) All this was done by 2:30 and we left for a labor and delivery room at 2:40. This whole time my contractions were strong and steady. As we got into the Labor and Delivery room and they had me switch beds a doozy of a contraction hit. I was literally half-way on each bed unable to move. I made it on the the L&D bed, the Dr.s came in and I was now 9cm dilated and they could see baby's head. This meant no epidural...and that it was already time to start pushing.  ***On that note unless you can guarantee that you won't be pushing for more than 10 minutes, I highly recommend getting the epidural!*** At 3:07, Coraline made her debut into the world, my mom got to cut the cord and announce to Sam and the other waiting grandparents that Cora was here.

Introducing Coraline Joan Sager
Born 3/1/14 3:07 am
7lbs, 21inches

After I was all stitched up and settled into the L&D room (about 4:00) the other 3 grandparents came in to meet the newest Sager family member. Poor Sam was still waiting in the airport. As soon as the airport in Sacramento opened, Sam was first in line and was able to get on the first flight to Ontario which left at 7:20 and arrived at 8:35. 

I was moved to a regular room at about 7:30 and my mom stayed with me until Sam got in at 9:15, he was one proud daddy!!

Meg vs. Cancer Round 4

So yesterday was Chemo #3, that means I'm half way through! It was also the last Chemo with Baby S. on board.  I technically have 3 weeks, 5 days left but Baby's head is very low, and I have been having contractions for a little over a week now, so I am just hoping that Baby can hold off until next week, as Sam is headed to Sacramento Thursday-Sunday as part of a team to receive an award for our school. Everything is ready to go!

Last Chemo as a team

It is crazy to think that this crazy journey started just three months ago, it has flown by! Talking to the Dr. yesterday I will have two scans about a month after Baby S. has arrived to stage the cancer. So when Baby is a month old I will have a CT scan and a bone scan. Two weeks after baby is born I will resume Chemo, same treatment as I am currently getting.

My port all hooked up and doing its job!

This week my treatment took a little longer as the Chemo suite was packed! There were several new patients in this week. My nurse was looking out for me and saved one of the private rooms for me. Not that I really need the privacy, but it has a private bathroom and with all the fluids they give me and the water I have to drink, I have to get up and pee every 30 minutes or so. This is much easier when the bathroom is across from me instead of down the hall especially since my IV pole has to go with me.

My IV set up, and bathroom buddy.

Last round I was feeling better so started doing things on Tuesday-Wednesday of the following week and then I was beat again. This week I am determined to take it easy this whole week so that next week isn't as bad. It is difficult to stay home and rest when you feel good and capable of doing things. Staying at home helps though when you have this as entertainment...

5 more weeks 'til Baby!

So Baby Sager should be making his/her big debut within the next 5 weeks! We saw the high risk OB yesterday and Baby S. is measuring at 5lbs 14oz, has plenty of amniotic fluid and is very active! I will no longer need to be monitored through ultra-sound as Baby S. is big enough to be delivered safely but will now be going in twice a week for a Non-Stress-Test (NST) to ensure that baby's heart is working properly and that baby is getting enough oxygen. This means that I will be at Kaiser every Monday and Thursday until baby is here. With as often as I am there, I think I should get a reserved parking spot!
I've started washing all of the baby things and getting everything organized in Baby's room.
Chemo recovery was a little different this time. I was feeling better sooner, but I think I over did it a bit so I was extra tired on days 5-7. I'm sure next time will be different yet as I will be 36 weeks pregnant.
On a happier note, my parents get back from their month long trip to Australia tomorrow! I hope they got a lot of rest, because soon they will have me, a rambunctious 3-year-old and a newborn keeping their hands full!

Let It Go....

So a little while ago I I posted a link to the song "Let It Go" from the movie Frozen.  I have listened to it about 20 times today, singing it at the top of my lungs each time. Here are some of the lyrics that I have really connected with...

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seems small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

So many things I used to worry about that I would let get to me, bother me, worry me, now seem so silly. Since being diagnosed, I've been able to step back and see just how small those things are. 

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free

I noticed that as my Grandmother got older, she cared less and less about what people thought about her and the things she said. I think I've reached that point a little early. As you, my readers, know I don't hold much back when it comes to what is going on. I've heard so many people tell me they have had friends or family go through cancer and didn't know half of what they went through, because they didn't want to talk about it.  I'm a talker, it's how I process, how I digest information, so talking about my diagnosis, treatment, etc., might be considered to some a too much information, but at this stage my feeling is, if you don't want to know, don't read it. 

Let  it go, let  it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here  I stand  in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway!

So I know no one is perfect, but at the same time we all have an ideal we try to live up to. When a wrench like this is thrown into your world you can either try to ignore it, let it ruin your ideal, or adapt your ideal to work with it. To me the first two are like trying to be perfect, I instead have had to adapt my ideal...my ideal pregnancy (which wasn't that great since just like Ellie, Baby Sager made me nauseated for the first 6 months)...ideal time off of work...ideal time home with Ellie...I'm sure I could go on, my point being I've had to adjust it all. Let's face it, my three-year old won't remember that we didn't go to the park when I was home with her, but she will remember making play-dough and having lots of tea-parties with mommy, she'll remember helping "like a big girl" to let the dog out, stir her mac'n'cheese, clean up after her meal. Baby Sager won't remember that I couldn't breast feed.  

With all that tonight I am a tad nervous, once again because of the unknown. Tomorrow will be my first Chemo treatment and it makes me nervous that I don't know what to expect for the week after. It makes me more nervous that each round I could react differently so what happens this time may be different for rounds 2 and 3. But I do not have control, so I have to LET IT GO, and make the best of it.

P.S. I am so getting this shirt when all is said and done :)

Attitude is Everything

So many of you have been asking/wondering about my extremely positive attitude.Years ago a very wise woman shared a quote with me on a retreat "The attitude you're using, is the attitude you're choosing" It has stuck with me for many years and when I am in a crappy mood I will often remind myself of this mantra.

Some of you have most likely heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages of Grief, and yes I journeyed through all 5.

Denial- When the Dr. first said that my biopsy was positive for cancer I remember thinking I didn't hear that right, but when he followed up with the "You will have surgery on the 13th" it was a little more real. The next two weeks were a bit of a blur with updating people, dr. appointments and lots and lots of research. When I got the call on the 12th for my check-in time, I was at Costco and broke down on the way to the car as it became very real that I had cancer and was going to have a mastectomy at 33.

Anger- My anger was never directed at a person, but more the situation and lack of control I had. Within minutes cancer had potentially stolen my time, my left breast, my immune system, the ability for me to breastfeed Baby Sager, and generally life as I knew it. This would make anyone angry, but I quickly decided that it could not steal my joy and passion for living my life. (see the acceptance part for how I reached that conclusion)

Bargaining- This was a fleeting moment as while doing research I quickly remembered all the times I had heard of a young child with cancer and had tried to bargain with God to spare Ellie and if anyone had to battle, it should be me. Now I don't know if this pleading has anything to do with my situation but it enabled me to be thankful that it was not Ellie, but me who would have to fight this.

Depression- So this lasted about 8 hours. On the Saturday after my diagnosis we were up at my in-laws to decorate (They live on Thoroughbred in Alta Loma). The family was treating me like I was crippled, I couldn't lift anything, couldn't climb the ladder, in essence, I couldn't help. So I went inside and had my pity party. I was tired from only having about 4 hours of sleep the night before and feeling sorry for myself for so many things. I wallowed in self pity and pretty much had a miserable time. And then....

Acceptance- After a full day of decorating (and it was almost time for the USC-UCLA game) the family came in and Ellie was covered in dirt from head to toe. I looked at her and realized that she had played so hard and had a wonderful day and I completely missed it by feeling sorry for myself. It was then I decided that I couldn't let cancer take anything else from me, especially anything meaningful. It was then I decided to put on my big girl panties and live my life and be as proactive as I could with my treatment plan. Even though I can't control the cancer, I can control how I deal with it. I also realized that my three-year-old needed me and I have to be her role-model for how to face adversity.
When we got home that night I told Sam that I was going to start a blog and post what was going on, on Facebook.

My goal of this blog is to help educate people about cancer, because lets face it most of us know that it sucks, we know that it is bad, but other than that we really don't know about it. We hear stories about things that will help prevent cancer and things that can cause cancer but really and truly cancer doesn't care about any of that. This video offers a great visual of cancer cells at their finest.
I also have a vast support system, and while I don't mind sharing the same information repeatedly, it is way easier to type it once and share it so that everyone gets the same info.

Not dead...yet

So it has been a year since my last post...no I didn't die, I was in grad school and teaching and being mom...I sit for my comps next week so Grad school will be done and with any luck we will be moving over the summer to a bigger place and I will once again have time and energy to update my little blog...until then here a picture of Ellie on her birthday!

No More 20-Somethings Here

This month was super busy! Ellie turned 6 months old, I competed in my first karate tournament, and Sam threw me a fabulous 30th birthday party! My friend Tiffany flew out from Portland sans kiddos and we had a great girls night out on Friday, then at my party Saturday my friend Natalie from Colorado showed up thanks to Sam's scheming. It was pretty amazing to think the last time we were all together was at our wedding 4 years ago, yet sitting on the couch talking it was almost as if it hadn't been more than a week. We also took Ellie to Disneyland for the first time. She absolutely loved Small World, she "sang" through the whole ride.

We finally figured out how to get Ellie to eat her food, after she had perfected the spoon block, the head block and keeping her lips locked while laughing, crying, and just about any other situation, I gave up and put the spoon down to have her pick it up and put it in her mouth. Needless to say, meal time is extremely messy as Ellie is still trying to get the spoon in her mouth before closing it.

The month ended with me cooking Thanksgiving Dinner for 14 up at Wayne and Kathy's and loving every second of it!!!

I am thankful for my beautiful family, and all my wonderful friends!

Yes, we are still alive!

So when I started this blog I thought, hey most of my friends with 2 kids blog on a somewhat regular basis, how hard can it be to keep up? I have now found the answer is extremely. Maybe it is because I am a working mom and most of said friends are lucky enough to not (though really I don't think it would make much difference) but I will often compose a new entry in the car on the way to or from work, the grocery store or picking Ellie up and then fail to actually type and post it when I get home. So here is a quick update of what has been going on in the Sager household.

October: Ellie had her first overnight with Nana and Grandpa (Sagers)while Sam and I went to a wedding where we had tons of fun. We spent time with family and enjoyed watching Ellie discover her toes, her voice and the joys of rolling/scooting. We attempted to feed her solids (video to come later). I walked my 3rd 1/2 Marathon. For Halloween she made an adorable little monkey while Sam and I attended a Halloween party as a bunch of grapes and a working box of wine.

My how time does fly

So much for being good about updating on a regular basis. Oh well, here it goes. In the past four months Ellie has had a quiet a few adventures, we've been to the LA Zoo, the Aquarium of the Pacific, the California Science Center, an Angel Game, a UCLA football game, the LA County Fair (twice) She is very much a social butterfly, and is so curious anytime we are somewhere new. Her eyes get wide and she cannot stop looking around at everyone and everything, an she won't go to sleep if there is someone nearby willing to play with her, heaven forbid she should miss something.

In terms of firsts, she is rolling over non-stop and has started doing the inchworm crawl where she scrunches up her legs and then pushes her chest forward, she is constantly smiling and giggling at anyone who will talk to her. She loves toys that crinkle and loves to put everything in her mouth. She is trying really hard to sit up by herself and to talk, she is sooo expressive.

Many times I look at her and just want to scoop her up and kiss her all over despite the fact that she is sleeping. Sam and I frequently look at each other and just gush over how cute she is. Parenthood is completely indescribable and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Things I've Learned in 2 weeks

So in the last two weeks my daughter has taught me some valuable lessons.
Lesson 1: It doesn't matter how much reading you do or how much you prepare, babies have their own plan.So my plan was to bring Ellie home after a few short days in the hospital, she however wanted to get a tan in the phototherapy box instead. I wanted to breastfeed exclusively but in order to avoid the IV we supplemented with formula and now she is a "lazy sucker" and doesn't like the work it takes to get milk from me without assistance.
Lesson 2: Patience is a virtue I have far from mastered.No matter how patient I try to be while feeding I get frustrated when Ellie won't latch and just screams instead, it is right there!!! This leads to crying on my part if I haven't had a nap or a meal.
Lesson 3: Keep it simple stupid.
Several times already I have assumed that Ellie was hungry, but rather she needed a diaper change or to burp, much easier to fix given the feeding issues we are having.