My Whys

So the question of Why has come up a lot this summer, primarily at the two conferences I went to. What we really want to know from people is why they do what they do not necessarily what they do. We as humans feed off of the enthusiasm and passion that others show for things. So here are some of the Why questions I have been asked this summer.

Why are you not having follow-up treatment?
Remember way back when I was diagnosed in November, and I mentioned that I have (had) Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Yeah, well that means that my cancer does not respond to hormones. Sounds good right, it means the hormones aren't feeding it...well it is actually not good because the hormones aren't feeding it. It means they don't know exactly what makes the cancer grow so quickly so there is no follow up treatment after radiation. Hormone positive cancer patient get hormone suppressors after active treatment to greatly decrease chances of recurrence. No such luck for me and about 12% of all other breast cancer patients with a TNBC diagnosis.

You have shared so much why no pictures of your mastectomy scar?

You know those headlines you see "Teacher posts pornographic pictures on her blog"? I don't want to be that teacher. "Say WHAATTT?!?!" You may exclaim. Yep I've had several BC (breast cancer) friends who have had pictures of their mastectomy scars removed from Facebook for being "pornographic." So I've decided that I am not going to go there. It is not worth my job just so you can see my scar. (Which happens to be really clean and healing really, really well!) If your curious just do a google image search mine is like the horizontal ones.

Why don't you wear a wig?/ Why do you wear a hat?
Wigs are hot, tight, and just plain uncomfortable. If you hadn't noticed, I'm kinda comfortable with who I am and easily go out in public with no hair. (Though now it is growing really well!) With that said, hair, it turns out is really functional and keeps your head warm. Since I now sit in an air conditioned office all day with only about 10 other people as opposed to 30+ Middle School students, my head gets cold. Hats, specifically the few fedoras I have right now, keep my head warm without overheating it.

Why do you wear that thing on your arm?
OK so no one has flat out asked it that way. It is usually asked as "Is your arm OK?", "What did you do to your arm?", or my favorite when people see my sleeve on "oh, let me get that for you." So, remember when I had surgery and they took out my tumor and a bunch of lymph nodes? According to the American Cancer Society "Lymph nodes are small structures that work as filters for harmful substances. They contain immune cells that can help fight infection by attacking and destroying germs that are carried in through the lymph fluid." This means in this hot, humid weather we have been having in Southern California, that my left arm swells a little because it is missing 18 of those filters (most of us have 20-30) So my general rule of thumb is if I have trouble putting my wedding ring on, I put my compression sleeve on. My arm doesn't hurt, I can use my arm like normal, and the compression sleeve helps the fluid not build up as much in my arm.

Why did you move to the District Office instead of staying in the classroom this year? 

Well primarily because I know have my Dream Job!!! This is the job I have been wanting for about 3 years. It just took that long for it to open up for me to apply for. After several days in the summer training teachers, helping out teams of teachers at the AVID Summer Institute in San Diego and one week in the office, I LOVE IT!!! It is way different in comparison to being a classroom teacher. I am currently working on clarifying our district's AVID Contract, hiring tutors for the six middle schools and scheduling times to visit all 12 of my AVID sites, I've been super busy. Plus I get to work with an amazing team of other teachers who have been identified as leaders in their subject area and together we support all 32 schools in the Ontario Montclair School District.

Why are you so passionate about the AVID program? 
So this one is easy for me. In my family it was never if you go to college but when you go to college. For many of my students it is barely and if. Many of my middle school students have great hopes and dreams of becoming lawyers, doctors, veterinarians, pilots, etc. but they have no idea what they need to do to accomplish such dreams. There is no family member who can tell them that there are certain classes that they need to take in high school to reach that goal, many of their parents never made it to high school. AVID helps students navigate the world of education that is often unseen. The note talking, the interaction with teachers and other students. AVID focuses on WICOR (Writing, Inquiry,  Collaboration, Organization, Reading), AVID teaches that college is a very real possibility for students that traditionally aren't seen as "college bound" they aren't straight A students, they aren't in need of remediation, they just kinda hang in the middle just needing a little extra push to reach their full potential.

Why didn't you stop selling bags while you were sick?
Ummm, have you seen how cute the Thirty-One bags are? The company really does meet its mission to Celebrate, Encourage and Reward women. Why would I ever give that up unless I had to?
Another question that usually goes with this is I thought you sold... So I am not only obsessed with Thirty-One but I also really like Origami Owl jewelry, Jamberry Nails, and Pampered Chef kitchen products so I usually have a home party as a hostess for my friends who are consultants for those companies because by hosting a party I can often get a bunch of the stuff I want for free in rewards :) I will gladly sell you a bag any time, but for the other things I will pass on the information of my friends who sell what you are looking for.

The last question I am constantly asked is 
Why share your story?
Again I am not a shy person. Sharing my story has helped me bring awareness to cancer and all that goes with it. It has also been a bit therapeutic for me to put my thoughts down. One day when Ellie and Cora are older I will want to tell them what I went through, but realistically I will not remember everything so typing it out will help with that. Lastly, I really want to demystify as much about cancer as I can. After almost every Dr. appointment I would come home and search about a million things and ask a ton of questions to the on-line group of moms also diagnosed with cancer during pregnancy. I know there are women out there who don't want to tell their families that they have cancer, if I can help just one of them, it will all be worth it.

I leave you with a few things
1- Another huge thank you to EVERYONE who has dropped me a note, left me a message, thought of me during treatment, etc. Not once during this journey have I felt alone or like I had no one I could call, or no shoulder I could cry on. I also never felt that I needed to put on a happy face for any of you. Knowing I could be real and be myself made it so much easier to stay positive and not get stuck in the "why me" mode
2- Here are my adorable girls :)

Cora trying to feed herself Sweet Potatoes

Ellie adores her sister and wants to hold her ALL the time!

Radiation Complete!!

Today I finished #25 of my radiation treatments which was also my final one!! My skin is really angry with me as evidenced in this picture:

It looks like I tried to iron my clothes while they were on my body. Tomorrow I meet with my surgeon to discuss my right mastectomy and if I will have it with reconstruction or separately.

Last week we spent the week at a house right on the beach in Newport. I discovered that I can't hack it as a commuter even though it only took about 45 minutes to get from Newport to Ontario since I was going against traffic. Ellie loved the sand and the water and it was difficult to get her out and back to the house to eat or nap.

Cora is growing like a weed and has rolled over from stomach to back several times and back to stomach once. She will be four months old tomorrow.

Happy 4th Birthday Elisabeth Marie!!!

Four years ago this little peanut came into our lives and completely turned them upside down. 

While she is 4 going on 13, and has regular temper-tantrums and screaming fits, I can not imagine life without her. When she comes up to me and says "Mama, you're my favorite girl in the whole wide world" it melts my heart. Just like it does when she kisses her sister good night and says "I love you Cora" and then looks at me and says "she's so cute Mama" 

We celebrated her birthday yesterday with family and a few friends. It was a pretty mellow party as a week after chemo, I have little energy and lots of nausea. Ellie had a blast and says her favorite part was lollipops (she got to eat two in one day) and that her least favorite part was cake (though she likes to look at it and likes the idea of it, she doesn't like to eat it)

Look at her hands!

Making a wish

 This morning Ellie got into her new make-up and decided that we needed to make pancakes, so we did!

Beautiful in her new make-up

Making pancakes!

I love you Elisabeth Marie!! You are my favorite 4 year-old!

Rough Weekend

So it all started Thursday my nausea set in (which is not helped with my post nasal drip caused by allergies and chemo) and that night I got the worst night sleep since my diagnosis. I don't know why. I wasn't apprehensive about my biopsy since I had already done one, I was tired, I just could not sleep and then had to be up at 6 to be at Kaiser by 7.
My biopsy on Friday went well, I wasn't able to get much sleep as the recovery area is rather noisy and busy.  This was also when my mouth sensitivity set in making me not want to eat (everything just feel gross in my mouth and the taste is off) When we got home, I took a short nap but was still tired.  I sucked up my aversion to Ensure and had one for dinner, knowing that I needed something to give me energy and that I wasn't going to be able to eat anything. Two awesome friends came over and helped with the girls while Sam was at karate.
On Saturday I woke up still feeling nauseated but not as tired but the effort of getting up and getting dressed exhausted me. I spent the whole day on the couch and was able to eat a little chicken soup, some quesadilla and some ramen noodles. Not the most nutritious but I was able to keep everything down and I supplemented with more Ensure. My nausea is aggravated when I cough, which is often right now. Saturday also began the battle with Ellie for following directions and listening. We will asked her to do something, she'll say OK and then not do anything or tell us she'll do it after she finishes what she is playing with. This sometimes will result in her waiting an hour to do something. Sam had a great idea of getting ping-pong balls and a jar and every time she listens the first time, she gets a ball in the jar, when she gets 10 she will get a small prize. This worked fabulously all day and Ellie got 6 balls in her jar.
Sunday I was still nauseated and still tired, though I am sure the tired is because I've spent two days doing nothing. The really battle today though has been getting Ellie to listen. There were tears with getting her in the shower, getting her dressed, eating her breakfast, taking her nap (she never did fall asleep) and then the major melt down came at dinner. She was crying, I was crying, Cora was crying UGGG!!!! It is hard being a good mom, it is near impossible to be a good mom with no energy! Ellie wanted nachos for dinner, we said no since she had them for lunch, she started to cry that she didn't want to eat her dinner then, we took away her i-pad, she cried that she didn't want to eat her dinner and wanted her i-pad back, we told her she could have her i-pad when she started eating, she cried....the last two were on a loop for about 40 minutes. This is when it is easy to just make the nachos and get the kid to stop crying, but that is not the responsible, good mom thing to do so I had to stick with my guns, even when it brought me to tears of frustration and exhaustion.

I hope that Monday we can start off on a better foot with no tears from either of us. Also happening this week, I should get my biopsy results Tuesday or Wednesday, if there is no sign of cancer from this biopsy I will most likely have a PET scan to identify any cancer cells in my body.  On Wednesday I have an appointment at Nordstrom to be fitted for my prosthesis, so I will not look lopsided anymore.
I'll leave you with a picture that makes me smile :)

Meg vs. Cancer Round 5

Friday (3/14) was my first Chemo without Baby S on board. It was a huge relief to know that there was absolutely nothing that could happen to Cora because of my treatment. 

My appointment was early which is nice because then I get home at a decent time to nap off the Benadryl. 

Like before I have to drink A TON!!! of water. BUT I no longer have a baby pushing on my bladder!!! This is fabulous news as it means instead of peeing every 20-40 minutes I can go every 1-2 hours, which leads to better sleep and feeling more rested than I did with Cora on board. 

This morning I got the call to set up my CT Scan which will be at 5:30 on Wednesday the 26th. I should get the results of the scan before my next Chemo appt on 4/4. 

Here are a few pictures of my favorite girls!

Keeping Cora entertained so Mama can sleep a little bit more.

Holding hands in the car

Tummy Time!

Good Night Snuggles

Adjusting to Life as a Family of Four

So after the crazy, quick and intense birth of Miss Cora, Sam was finally able to meet Cora on Saturday morning.

Daddy and his littlest girl. 

Mama and Cora

We had lots of visitors on Saturday and Sam went home to be with Ellie that night so Cora and I had major cuddles and Mama/baby time.  Who wouldn't want to cuddle this sweet little one?







On Sunday, my parents stayed with Ellie at home while we were in the hospital for one more day due to Cora's bilirubin levels. She had to be on the biliblanket and get blood drawn twice.

Ellie's new baby...Coraline

My parents got Ellie an American Girl Bitty Baby, who she named Coraline. For a brief moment she changed her mind and called her Bella, but that lasted less than 2 hours.

Cora looked like a glow-worm during the night, I gotta admit, as much as I wanted to take her home, this was pretty cute.








On Monday we were cleared to go home, Cora would be monitored for her bilirubin levels, which meant a bili-blanket at home and daily Dr. appts until her levels were down.  Sam's parents had Ellie at their house, so when we left the hospital they left to meet us at home. Ellie was so excited to meet her little sister, and wants to constantly see what she is doing and help with her, she is a great big sister.  Princess is super protective and every new little sound that Cora makes, Princess has to check it out to make sure Cora is still OK. As for the cat, I don't know if Spiff has even noticed that there is a new baby in the house as the last few weeks he sleeps on Ellie's bed most of the day/night.
Here are some of my favorite pictures from Cora's homecoming.

Ready to go home!

"She's so silly!!"

"Hi, Cora"

"Awww, she's so cute"

Princess meets Cora

Sager Family

Not dead...yet

So it has been a year since my last post...no I didn't die, I was in grad school and teaching and being mom...I sit for my comps next week so Grad school will be done and with any luck we will be moving over the summer to a bigger place and I will once again have time and energy to update my little blog...until then here a picture of Ellie on her birthday!

What a year!!

Wow! This year has flown by, I can't believe that Ellie has onlybeen in our lives for one little year. I can't seem to remember life without her.

Over the last year we have discovered that Ellie is stubborn (just like EVERY other member of this family), she is adventurous (like her dad), she is independent (like her mom) and she is just so stinkin' adorable!!!

My favorite thing she does right now is that when you spin around with her she throws both arms back and squeals in delight. I often make myself dizzy just so I can hear that fabulous sound.

I am looking forward to what this upcoming year has to bring. The finishing of grad school for me, possibly a new job for Sam and a family trip to Hawaii. I hope to keep you all updated a little more often.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!! and a very special HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a very special little girl!

No More 20-Somethings Here

This month was super busy! Ellie turned 6 months old, I competed in my first karate tournament, and Sam threw me a fabulous 30th birthday party! My friend Tiffany flew out from Portland sans kiddos and we had a great girls night out on Friday, then at my party Saturday my friend Natalie from Colorado showed up thanks to Sam's scheming. It was pretty amazing to think the last time we were all together was at our wedding 4 years ago, yet sitting on the couch talking it was almost as if it hadn't been more than a week. We also took Ellie to Disneyland for the first time. She absolutely loved Small World, she "sang" through the whole ride.

We finally figured out how to get Ellie to eat her food, after she had perfected the spoon block, the head block and keeping her lips locked while laughing, crying, and just about any other situation, I gave up and put the spoon down to have her pick it up and put it in her mouth. Needless to say, meal time is extremely messy as Ellie is still trying to get the spoon in her mouth before closing it.

The month ended with me cooking Thanksgiving Dinner for 14 up at Wayne and Kathy's and loving every second of it!!!

I am thankful for my beautiful family, and all my wonderful friends!

Yes, we are still alive!

So when I started this blog I thought, hey most of my friends with 2 kids blog on a somewhat regular basis, how hard can it be to keep up? I have now found the answer is extremely. Maybe it is because I am a working mom and most of said friends are lucky enough to not (though really I don't think it would make much difference) but I will often compose a new entry in the car on the way to or from work, the grocery store or picking Ellie up and then fail to actually type and post it when I get home. So here is a quick update of what has been going on in the Sager household.

October: Ellie had her first overnight with Nana and Grandpa (Sagers)while Sam and I went to a wedding where we had tons of fun. We spent time with family and enjoyed watching Ellie discover her toes, her voice and the joys of rolling/scooting. We attempted to feed her solids (video to come later). I walked my 3rd 1/2 Marathon. For Halloween she made an adorable little monkey while Sam and I attended a Halloween party as a bunch of grapes and a working box of wine.

My how time does fly

So much for being good about updating on a regular basis. Oh well, here it goes. In the past four months Ellie has had a quiet a few adventures, we've been to the LA Zoo, the Aquarium of the Pacific, the California Science Center, an Angel Game, a UCLA football game, the LA County Fair (twice) She is very much a social butterfly, and is so curious anytime we are somewhere new. Her eyes get wide and she cannot stop looking around at everyone and everything, an she won't go to sleep if there is someone nearby willing to play with her, heaven forbid she should miss something.

In terms of firsts, she is rolling over non-stop and has started doing the inchworm crawl where she scrunches up her legs and then pushes her chest forward, she is constantly smiling and giggling at anyone who will talk to her. She loves toys that crinkle and loves to put everything in her mouth. She is trying really hard to sit up by herself and to talk, she is sooo expressive.

Many times I look at her and just want to scoop her up and kiss her all over despite the fact that she is sleeping. Sam and I frequently look at each other and just gush over how cute she is. Parenthood is completely indescribable and I wouldn't change it for the world!