Meg vs. Cancer- Round 2

Yesterday, 1/10/14, was my first round of Chemo, this involved 3 separate appointments with my entourage for the day, Sam, My Mom, My MIL...

Appt 1-8:30- Dr. Miller (onocologist)- So this appointment was basically a "Yep, you start chemo today and I need updated labs" So I went down to get blood drawn so that he could review my counts before I started Chemo.

Appt 2-9:00- Lea Mish (oncology nurse)- This appointment was to go over all the side effects of the three different drugs I would be injected with, how to try and prevent them and how to deal with them once I have them. The biggest risk seems to be mouth sores, so I have to brush after every meal and rinse with a special mouthwash (water, salt, and baking soda) to prevent them.

Appt 3- 10:00- Chemo Chair 14- This took up the bulk of the day. So first they had to wait for a few of my lab results to be back so we used that time to numb my port site so I wouldn't feel the needle go in.

Port Site

Lidocaine to numb the site

 After everything was mostly numb (I now have the Lidocaine so I can numb pre-appt next time) They inserted the IV and started me on a saline drip along with an anti-nausea medication for about 15 minutes to make sure I was good and hydrated and to prevent nausea, which is a big deal seeing as Baby S had me nauseated for the first 5-6 months.

IV all set

I had to decorate my room :)

First I got the dose of Adriamycin, this one looks like I am getting shots of Fruit Punch Kool Aid, it is bright red and pushed manually over the course of about 15 minutes, it made me pee a lovely pink color for a couple hours.
Next, I got the dose of Cytoxan, this was given through an IV drip over the course of an hour. The first two treatments were pretty uneventful, we chatted, read, played games on i-pads/phones, had lunch. I drank tons of water and made plenty of trips to the bathroom, thanks to Baby S. using my bladder as a trampoline.

Cytoxan treatment

Finally, I got my Taxotere treatment. This is the drug with the highest risk of allergic reaction, so about 20-30 minutes before the treatment they gave me a heavy duty dose of Benadryl which completely knocked me out. After the Benadryl kicked in, the gave me a test dose of the Taxotere to make sure everything would be OK, no issues, so they started me on the full dose. About 20 minutes in I flushed and started feeling hot and sweaty, so they stopped the drip, gave me more Benadryl and then we finished it up.

The effects of the Benadryl Pre-Taxotere

All done and ready to go home!

When I got home, I was wiped out!  A friend of mine came over so that Sam could go to karate, my in-laws took Ellie to a birthday party, so my friend and I watched "Singing in the Rain" and "State Fair" while I slept off and on, on the couch. Since I have to drink 120 oz of water for the next few days there was a lot of getting up for the restroom.
I slept until 8:00 this morning, and woke up feeling rested, but very pregnant! I am noticing that I get tired very easily and am super thirsty (which helps with the 120 oz).
I start my Neupogen shots today which will help my White Blood count stay up and help me stave off infections.
Thank you all once again for all the wonderful messages, texts and e-mails you sent yesterday!

Let It Go....

So a little while ago I I posted a link to the song "Let It Go" from the movie Frozen.  I have listened to it about 20 times today, singing it at the top of my lungs each time. Here are some of the lyrics that I have really connected with...

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seems small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

So many things I used to worry about that I would let get to me, bother me, worry me, now seem so silly. Since being diagnosed, I've been able to step back and see just how small those things are. 

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free

I noticed that as my Grandmother got older, she cared less and less about what people thought about her and the things she said. I think I've reached that point a little early. As you, my readers, know I don't hold much back when it comes to what is going on. I've heard so many people tell me they have had friends or family go through cancer and didn't know half of what they went through, because they didn't want to talk about it.  I'm a talker, it's how I process, how I digest information, so talking about my diagnosis, treatment, etc., might be considered to some a too much information, but at this stage my feeling is, if you don't want to know, don't read it. 

Let  it go, let  it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here  I stand  in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway!

So I know no one is perfect, but at the same time we all have an ideal we try to live up to. When a wrench like this is thrown into your world you can either try to ignore it, let it ruin your ideal, or adapt your ideal to work with it. To me the first two are like trying to be perfect, I instead have had to adapt my ideal...my ideal pregnancy (which wasn't that great since just like Ellie, Baby Sager made me nauseated for the first 6 months)...ideal time off of work...ideal time home with Ellie...I'm sure I could go on, my point being I've had to adjust it all. Let's face it, my three-year old won't remember that we didn't go to the park when I was home with her, but she will remember making play-dough and having lots of tea-parties with mommy, she'll remember helping "like a big girl" to let the dog out, stir her mac'n'cheese, clean up after her meal. Baby Sager won't remember that I couldn't breast feed.  

With all that tonight I am a tad nervous, once again because of the unknown. Tomorrow will be my first Chemo treatment and it makes me nervous that I don't know what to expect for the week after. It makes me more nervous that each round I could react differently so what happens this time may be different for rounds 2 and 3. But I do not have control, so I have to LET IT GO, and make the best of it.

P.S. I am so getting this shirt when all is said and done :)

Genetics

So I got my genetics report back. I do not have the BRCA 1 or 2 gene mutation. However the geneticist finds it extremely odd I tested negative and have these three factors
  1) I have cancer at 33
  2) I have Triple Negative Breast Cancer
  3) My grandfather had breast and testicular cancer
So she is taking my case to present at a monthly review to see if there is any other genes that should be tested. At this point I will be having blood tests on a regular basis so what is another couple vials??

The crazy thing is that research in this field is moving remarkably quickly and in even a few short months there may be a new discovery of which genes can lead to a situation like mine.

Funny Stuff

So through this journey there have been several moments where I couldn't help but laugh

- You always hear about people who get limbs amputated experiencing phantom pains. Well about a week after surgery it felt like my left nipple was itchy even though it was gone...go figure.
- After my bandages came off so the steri-strips were showing, Ellie would ask to see my booboo, she would then proceed to tell me it was a "big booboo" and whine that it was scary. Inevitably an hour later she would want to see it again.  At about three weeks out she decided that it was silly so she would still laugh and then laugh hysterically after seeing the incision sight (still covered with steri-strips)
- About 4 days post surgery, Sam's grandparents came for a visit. It was about 80 degrees (that's December in SoCal) so it was really hot with the bandages, camisole and shirt on, plus I had the pillow in the camisole, so I was burning up! During the visit I reached in and took the pillow out and I guess Grandpa's face was just priceless :)
- Shaving a numb armpit...it's just weird.

Something not so funny...laughing it hurts like hell...so please don't make me laugh...yet.

Waiting...

So the past week has been pretty unadventurous. I started the third trimester of my pregnancy which compounds my tiring easily so each day Ellie and I take a nap together. I have also been trying to increase the range of motion in my left shoulder, which is very uncomfortable and paired with the aches and pains of being pregnant has made me a little cranky.
The most challenging thing for me right now is the waiting. I have no idea how chemo will effect me, as it effects everyone differently. Being a major planner it is frustrating not being able to make plans as I have no idea how I will be feeling; will I be achy, tired, nauseated??
Rather than sit and dwell on the things I cannot control, I'm trying to let go. Trying to be productive while I feel good, playing tea party and legos and princesses and enjoying this time with my family before school starts again and Sam is not home.  With that I "Let It Go"

Merry Christmas!

So for Christmas this year I got two great presents!

 #1- My drain came out! Let me just lay it out...it was the worst part of surgery and has been the bane of my existence the last 10 days.  I wasn't scheduled to get it out until the 8th of January which would have been pure torture.

#2- I have my first Chemo treatment scheduled! On January 10th I will receive my first round of TAC Chemo. This means I will take a steroid the Thursday, Friday and Saturday to help prep my body. I will receive the three drugs (Taxotere, Adriamycin, and Cytoxan) through my port over the course of 3-4 hours at the hospital. I will then follow up for the next 7 days with a daily shot to boost my white blood count. I will have one treatment every three weeks with the hope of getting 2 for sure possibly 3 in before baby is here in March.

Thank you all for your continued love and support! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!
Sherif Ellie is watching out for you!

Attitude is Everything

So many of you have been asking/wondering about my extremely positive attitude.Years ago a very wise woman shared a quote with me on a retreat "The attitude you're using, is the attitude you're choosing" It has stuck with me for many years and when I am in a crappy mood I will often remind myself of this mantra.

Some of you have most likely heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages of Grief, and yes I journeyed through all 5.

Denial- When the Dr. first said that my biopsy was positive for cancer I remember thinking I didn't hear that right, but when he followed up with the "You will have surgery on the 13th" it was a little more real. The next two weeks were a bit of a blur with updating people, dr. appointments and lots and lots of research. When I got the call on the 12th for my check-in time, I was at Costco and broke down on the way to the car as it became very real that I had cancer and was going to have a mastectomy at 33.

Anger- My anger was never directed at a person, but more the situation and lack of control I had. Within minutes cancer had potentially stolen my time, my left breast, my immune system, the ability for me to breastfeed Baby Sager, and generally life as I knew it. This would make anyone angry, but I quickly decided that it could not steal my joy and passion for living my life. (see the acceptance part for how I reached that conclusion)

Bargaining- This was a fleeting moment as while doing research I quickly remembered all the times I had heard of a young child with cancer and had tried to bargain with God to spare Ellie and if anyone had to battle, it should be me. Now I don't know if this pleading has anything to do with my situation but it enabled me to be thankful that it was not Ellie, but me who would have to fight this.

Depression- So this lasted about 8 hours. On the Saturday after my diagnosis we were up at my in-laws to decorate (They live on Thoroughbred in Alta Loma). The family was treating me like I was crippled, I couldn't lift anything, couldn't climb the ladder, in essence, I couldn't help. So I went inside and had my pity party. I was tired from only having about 4 hours of sleep the night before and feeling sorry for myself for so many things. I wallowed in self pity and pretty much had a miserable time. And then....

Acceptance- After a full day of decorating (and it was almost time for the USC-UCLA game) the family came in and Ellie was covered in dirt from head to toe. I looked at her and realized that she had played so hard and had a wonderful day and I completely missed it by feeling sorry for myself. It was then I decided that I couldn't let cancer take anything else from me, especially anything meaningful. It was then I decided to put on my big girl panties and live my life and be as proactive as I could with my treatment plan. Even though I can't control the cancer, I can control how I deal with it. I also realized that my three-year-old needed me and I have to be her role-model for how to face adversity.
When we got home that night I told Sam that I was going to start a blog and post what was going on, on Facebook.

My goal of this blog is to help educate people about cancer, because lets face it most of us know that it sucks, we know that it is bad, but other than that we really don't know about it. We hear stories about things that will help prevent cancer and things that can cause cancer but really and truly cancer doesn't care about any of that. This video offers a great visual of cancer cells at their finest.
I also have a vast support system, and while I don't mind sharing the same information repeatedly, it is way easier to type it once and share it so that everyone gets the same info.