Let It Go....

So a little while ago I I posted a link to the song "Let It Go" from the movie Frozen.  I have listened to it about 20 times today, singing it at the top of my lungs each time. Here are some of the lyrics that I have really connected with...

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seems small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

So many things I used to worry about that I would let get to me, bother me, worry me, now seem so silly. Since being diagnosed, I've been able to step back and see just how small those things are. 

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free

I noticed that as my Grandmother got older, she cared less and less about what people thought about her and the things she said. I think I've reached that point a little early. As you, my readers, know I don't hold much back when it comes to what is going on. I've heard so many people tell me they have had friends or family go through cancer and didn't know half of what they went through, because they didn't want to talk about it.  I'm a talker, it's how I process, how I digest information, so talking about my diagnosis, treatment, etc., might be considered to some a too much information, but at this stage my feeling is, if you don't want to know, don't read it. 

Let  it go, let  it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here  I stand  in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway!

So I know no one is perfect, but at the same time we all have an ideal we try to live up to. When a wrench like this is thrown into your world you can either try to ignore it, let it ruin your ideal, or adapt your ideal to work with it. To me the first two are like trying to be perfect, I instead have had to adapt my ideal...my ideal pregnancy (which wasn't that great since just like Ellie, Baby Sager made me nauseated for the first 6 months)...ideal time off of work...ideal time home with Ellie...I'm sure I could go on, my point being I've had to adjust it all. Let's face it, my three-year old won't remember that we didn't go to the park when I was home with her, but she will remember making play-dough and having lots of tea-parties with mommy, she'll remember helping "like a big girl" to let the dog out, stir her mac'n'cheese, clean up after her meal. Baby Sager won't remember that I couldn't breast feed.  

With all that tonight I am a tad nervous, once again because of the unknown. Tomorrow will be my first Chemo treatment and it makes me nervous that I don't know what to expect for the week after. It makes me more nervous that each round I could react differently so what happens this time may be different for rounds 2 and 3. But I do not have control, so I have to LET IT GO, and make the best of it.

P.S. I am so getting this shirt when all is said and done :)